Shame layers

Hello, and welcome to the Cellulite Project. I'm excited to be embarking on this journey: a journey of self-acceptance. I hope that you will join me in endeavoring to love and accept every inch of yourself and to let go of any panic, fear, and shame you may have about your body.

Your body is your spirit's home during this lifetime. It is not who you are. If you listen to your body's needs and treat it well, it can reward you with good health, dexterity, and long life. Punishing your body with drastic diets and constant inner self-criticism damages your spirit and your health.

I first encountered my cellulite when I was about 13 years old. I put on a bathing suit for the first time that summer in preparation for a swim in a friend's backyard pool. When I stepped outside and into the sun, I looked down and noticed a dimple on my left thigh. That same dimple remains there to this day, along with plenty of others.

Over the years, I have fought that cellulite in every way I could think of. I never tried liposuction, because I heard that the procedure did not effectively reduce the appearance of cellulite. I did attempt to diet and exercise the cellulite away; however, I have never been overweight. No matter how thin or fit I became, the cellulite never disappeared.

Cellulite is hereditary. I am not out of shape. I regularly practice Bikram yoga, along with frequent cardio workouts on the elliptical machine. My BMI (or body mass index, which measures body fat) is 20. A healthy BMI is between 18.5 and 24.9.

The messages that women get from the media tell us that we should be horribly ashamed of our cellulite, even though the majority of adult women have it. A few years ago, Jennifer Love Hewitt was criticized for having cellulite after being photographed in a bikini. The insults abounded, and the comments about her photos online were scathing. One went so far as to suggest that Ms. Hewitt ought to go and kill herself. She claimed to be a size 2 at the time, and many people accused her of lying.

I figured she was probably telling the truth. I also wear a size 2. Here on this blog, you can see two photos of the back of my thighs that were taken on the same day, with the same camera. Neither have been retouched. I'll let those photos speak for themselves. Needless to say, I do not think that Jennifer Love Hewitt, myself, or anyone else should not have the right to live because of the appearance of her thighs.

There are so many layers of shame involved in body image issues. First, the media tells us that we are supposed to live up to some impossible ideal of a perfect body. Many women struggle with trying to attain that ideal. Other women feel so far removed from that ideal that they feel completely marginalized. This dichotomy sends women into a power struggle that often puts us at odds with one another as we fight to look the best. Meanwhile, as we mature, some of us also begin to feel ashamed that we have fallen prey to the media's messages and to our own inner critics. We berate ourselves for being so insecure, when so many other things in our lives are more important, such as our families, our friends, our careers, or our spirituality. We know that our cellulite is not who we are, but the shame, fear, and panic when we look in the mirror remain. These feelings are partially to blame for the "obesity epidemic" in the U.S. that we hear about constantly. In desperation to feel good about themselves, some people turn to food as comfort. They develop an unnatural relationship with food, wherein food is given more power than it should be allowed to wield. Food exists in order to support life. It does not exist to define us, humiliate us, or control us.

Today, I decided that I have a right to feel good about myself. I decided that it was time to say goodbye to the fear and the shame. They may creep back up on me from time to time, but self-growth is a constant process. Posting a picture of my cellulite on the internet feels exhilarating. At first, the thought of allowing anyone to see a photo of my cellulite sent me into a panic. But then I thought, what will happen if everyone in the world sees a picture of my cellulite? And the answer that came to me was, nothing much. I will still have my family, and I will still have my friends. I will still have my talents and my spirituality. I will still look exactly the same when I see myself in the mirror tomorrow morning. If judgments come, let them. I am free to be me.